Ancient Bible

A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.

As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"

The mom asked, "What is it"?

"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.

Praise the Lord

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen". The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride.

When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen".

He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord".

The horse started going toward the edge of the cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!". Then he remembered and said, "Amen", so the horse stopped at the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Priest and the Crooks

One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest.

So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said "Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. "The water tastes weird" he said and went away.

The second crook came to the priest and said "Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and said "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. "This water tastes funny", he said and went away.

Now only the third crook remained. "What is it that you did wrong, my son?" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,"I peed in the well".

Penthouse In Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

Rabbi Underwater

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I'm going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

Two Thieves

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves.. and that's how I want to go."

Babysit Jesus

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

Begging Business

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

The Plus Sign

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

The Little Parrot

There once was a man that had five daughters their names are Char-relle, Zion, Keedie, Bria and Alexis. The man was called by God to a build a church. All five of his daughters suggested to him that he should make his church different from any other church.

So he set out on a mission. He came to a animal store and ask to see a parrot. The lady said that the parrot can only be taught one thing to say. So he taught the parrot to say "open the door open it wide and let the sinners come inside."

The man and his daughters built the church and put the parrot by the door, and every time that someone came in he would say his line. One day a bum came in and the parrot said, "open the door open it wide and let the sinners come inside." So the bum got kind of offended and said "What did you just say to me?!!" The parrot repeat his sentence,"Open the door open wide and let the sinners come inside".

Then the bum said, "If you say that to me one more time I will throw this rock at you." Without hesitant the parrot repeat what he was taught. Then suddenly the bum threw the rock at the bird and the bird said, "Close the door, close it quickly this stupid fool done threw a brick!"

The Virgin

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

he Birthday Prayer

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."


Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"


"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."


"No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

Washington Idiots

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is THAT?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it 'Earth' and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things". God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains and valleys. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "But,.. What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "OH,... There IS another Washington...

And wait until you see the freakin' idiots I put THERE!!!!."

Writing On The Wall

After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.

"In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother."

Believe

Three ministers were out on a lake fishing one fine afternoon. A Protestant minister, an Episcopalian priest and a Catholic priest. They were sitting out in the middle of the lake and the Protestant minister said he had to relieve himself, so he got out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, relieved himself behind a tree.

Then walked back to the boat. The Episcopalian priest did the same thing. The Catholic priest thought to himself, if they can do it, so can I. So he stepped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom. The other two looked at each other and one said "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks just under the water?"

Shark Meat

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

The Texan

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex.

St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

Golf In Heaven

A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.

"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."

"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news."

"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."

Healthy Christians

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"

"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."

Church Board

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

Where Is My Paper?

For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'

Sermon Preperation

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me," the father answered.

The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Honor Thy

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Healing Hearing

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boys turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

Way to Heaven

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Funny Nun

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.

Church Buelltin

I write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages."

Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."

Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

~Linda

Lonely Adam

One day God was talking to Adam and he said "Adam you look lonely, I know I'll give you a woman but it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said " what can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Pretty Eve

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?"
God replied, "So you would love her".
Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?".
God replied, "So that you would love her".
Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?".
God said "So you would love her".
Finally, Adam asked "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied, "So that she would love you!"

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

Critics Day in Heaven

It was Critics’ Day in heaven, when all celebrated biblical figures reflected on their life experiences on earth, and decided what would have been the best approach to performing their respective feats.

On the floor today was Moses’ parting of the Red Sea in order to escape the pursuing Egyptians.

First up was Noah, who said he would have would have used divine foresight to construct an ark in advance, and conveyed the Israelites across.

Peter objected to this, claiming Noah’s method was too technical, stating that he would have simply helped the Israelites walk on the water across the sea.

Elijah objected, calling Peter’s method unreliable. He then proposed calling fire down from heaven to consume the Red Sea.

Solomon pointed out that this did not solve the problem of the Egyptians.

Elijah looked at them incredulously, before saying what appeared to him as obvious: he would call fire down on the Egyptians too.

Daniel remarked that Elijah’s method wasn’t cost-effective. He, and a now furious Elijah, then plunged into a heated argument.

Finally, Balaam stood up, and proposed placing his donkey in front of all the advancing Egyptians.

They all stared at him in awe.

Louie Selling Bibles

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Walking on Water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.

When he had returned, the Brother said
"I need to use the restroom, be right back"

Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"

As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.

The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were"

Pastor's Calling Card

A new pastor was doing his rounds visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it was evident that someone was within but no one answered his repeated knocks. Eventually he wrote on the back of a calling card: ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it to the door.

The following Sunday he was surprised to find his card in the offering plate. Below his writing was scrawled: ‘Genesis 3:10.’

He reached for his Bible and thereafter broke into gales of laughter.

***
Revelation 3:20 - “Behold, I stand at the door and knock…”
Genesis 3:10 - “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked…”

Million dollars and a million years

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

Members looking at their watches

One minister says that it doesn't bother him at all if his members look at their watches during his sermons. It does affect him, however, when someone not only looks at his watch, but also holds it up to his ear to see if it's still running

willing to take a bullet for Jesus

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Why the old man missed service

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Why the church stopped ordering pencils

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Why the church stopped buying stationeries?

When a little church stopped buying from the local stationer, he called the deacon to ask why, The deacon explained "Remember those pencils we ordered from you so that visitors could register?"
"Sure," the stationer replied, "didn't you get them?"
"Yes, but you sent us pencils from the country club that said, "Play Golf Next Sunday"

Who donated the loudspeaker?

The pastor happily told his congregation about the church's new public address system. He explained that the microphone and wiring were paid for with church funds. Then he added, "The loudspeaker was donated by a member of our congregation in memory of his wife."

Which sermon to deliver?

One beautiful Sunday morning, Samuel, a priest, announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands, three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.

Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

Two pan handlers

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!"

Throw all in the river

An experienced preacher concluded his sermon by saying ... If I were asked to drink all the SCOTCH, WHISKEY, and WINE in this world, I'll throw them in the river. Immediately choir master stood up and said, for our closing song let's sing "WE SHALL WAIT BY THE RIVER SIDE"

The secret of a good sermon

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

The church was conducting its annual fund drive ...

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars."
Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.
"I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"

Sleeping in church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

Raise one-tenth

"Be grateful for all that the good Lord had done for you," the minister told his flock. "Surely each of us should give one-tenth of all we earn to the Lord."
"Amen!" shouted a particular fervent church member. "I say let's raise it to one-twentieth."

Preacher wound up in the cord

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

No Christians

Going over our church finances I found a receipt from a local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the store to point out its mistake.
"I'm sorry," I told the manager, "but there are no Christians here at First Baptist Church."

Minister couldn't stop talking

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I
couldn't stop talking!

Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Little old church painted

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.The pastor looked up in sky
in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Lawyer can be a saint

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there wqas a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased, would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Keeping the Ten Commandments

Harold and Jane was not a very religious couple but tried their best; they only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, “Harold, it sure would be nice to see you and Jane here more than once a year” “I know,” replied Harold, “We're very busy people, leading active lives but at least we keep the Ten Commandments” “That's great,” the minister said. “I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.” “Yes, we sure do” Harold said proudly, “Jane keeps six of them and I keep the other four”.

Dog in service

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

Church Bulletin Bloopers 3

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Christian Science Church

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Hymns for People Over 50

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

The Athiest in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,

"How beautiful the animals are!"

"How majestic the trees are!"

"How powerful the rivers are!"

As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"


Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Lord is My Shepherd

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2 nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

Jonah and the Whale

One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."

Catholic Heart Attack

After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

"No," he replied, "No health insurance."

"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.

"No. No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"

The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.

Dollar Bills

There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

Southern Baptist at the Race Track

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child

Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
 
Creation

In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.

Noah

The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph 

Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.

Moses
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.

Joshua

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.

David

David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.

Solomon

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.

Jonah and Other Prophets

After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.

The New Testament

When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands. Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.

Day After Christmas

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."

"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."

"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"

Late For Class

A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."


1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

How to Get Into Heaven

A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."

"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."

"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."

"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."

"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."

"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."

"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"

"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."

The Ham Sandwich

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. "You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?"

To which the rabbi replied, "At your wedding."

Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

The $20 and the $1 Joke

Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired - a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. "I've been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ," he said. "I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?"

"Oh," said the one dollar bill, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church."

"What's a church?" asked the twenty.

The Coin Toss

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

I Don't Want To Go To Church!

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

100 points to get into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"